dear you.

dear you,

where did we go? i'm sitting here reminiscing and looking at pictures and thinking about all the times you made me smile and the times you made me cry but always said "i love you bay." i mean i'm single and happy as of where i stand but i constantly find myself going back and forth with you, mostly i stay thinking of how much i miss you! it's like "..such a shame we ended up this way deciding that we're better off with others." it's crazy that two of my friends expressed that they want me to get back with you after them seeing you, which they realized why i speak about you i have this biggest smile, but sadly my heart will not allow it. i just decided that i will love you from a distance and care about you and TRY to be friends with you. Even though your difficult self refuses to just be "friends" but rather be more then that or its nothing at all. i know you're not happy about me moving on and constantly telling me of how i should be with you and exaggerating that no one is better, but i'll be happy for you in any choices that you decide to make. i just wanted to say that i still love you and care about you and i wish you would just for once try to accept us being friends and "maybe" i emphasize that majorly that maybe, when you are ready we can be together but that's a long road ahead. the bricks on this road are broken and neither one of us have taken the time to fix them, therefore "we" can't walk down that road together.

sincerely, me

breaking point.

every woman has a breaking point
--------
but this time, there’s a limit to my love.

i haven't blogged in awhile, but i decided why not write about what comes to mind and simply state some confessions. Its better to set some records straight that im sure has been on others temples. Speaking of blogs period the new blogs are called "tumblrs" i made one, but have yet posted anything, imaging how numerous of bloggers re-post others postings sounds unruly. i hate when im blogging and there's like so many things i want to say, but then i forget it all or i just type everything creating non-sense run-on sentences. sounds highly vague, wouldn't you agree.


confessions.
lately i had time to figure out where my feelings and emotions stood. seeing how my friends are going through unpleasant relationship problems and others trying to understand their own feelings for someone, i thought i needed to understand my own. i decided to detach all feelings and emotions for someone, just for so many reasons, i mean at the end of the day you don't want to end up looking like a fool. why hold on and incur "wishful thinking" when reality has settled. i could be wrong in so many ways, but its whats best really. i cut back on saying "i love you" i feel like its being thrown around unfairly. the feelings and emotions that are attached to that three worded phrase is simply different. i mean in order for me to completely move on i simply have to "let go" and its been hard, but i can finally admit that i have.

i have to confess that me and my ex did date a couple of times even though i said i wouldn't. i wish people could sometimes try to understand or at least be supportive even if they disagree. its obvious that no one knew and i think it will continue that way, why should our relationship be their entertainment. as of dating, we can not date and i cant emphasize that enough, yes i love her, yes she was my first love, but we just cant be. i think we are two different people with different mind sets and we tend to clash a lot, so therefore you probably will never see us together period.

i dont know if this is really a confession, but i assume since no one knew it would be considered one. i dated someone for nearly a month and laid low on our status. as you read on its quite clear already, but just had to say it for all those who didnt already know. we still remain good friends and continue to support each other which i highly adore.

i confess that i do ignore text messages! i know its horrible, but its for all types of reasons that i refuse to go into detail about. sometimes when you get a text i just read it then delete it or leave it and come back hours later to respond. most arent that important especially if your not my bestie or someone i care for. just all honesty, but i sometimes just be like why are you even texting me, because your bored and want a text buddy. i tend to sense that out of so many so therefore i just dont respond back. i also have a tendency to stop texting just because i honestly do not feel like talking to that person, i sound so evil and so wrong, but like if it was a certain someone i would break all laws to text them and others just have to wait.


anytime.
i realized who i can confide into and who will listen. i personally think i only have under five people i can talk about anything and two i can text anytime about everything. i appreciate them being there for me as well as i do the same. its always that great feeling when you can call or text feeling stressed or all over the place and they can give you a solution or even advice. even the last person i was with, i can text her and its like nothing. i apologize for the rest, but it feels like when you really need someone they aren't there and for me i refuse to hold on to something almost useless. it sounds all bad, but its really rude when you really want to talk and you can tell the person doesn't care or really not listening, they are simply excluded, the end. that's something that is highly annoying in all aspects.

speaking of the last person i was with. we get along so well! some days we text non-stop other days we don't talk at all. even though our relationship ended in a slope and for a anonymous reason, we still stay in contact. i think its rare when you see two people who aren't hostile against each other after ending their current relationship. we talk about anything and everything, our conversations are very entertaining. i just had to express that, because its hard to have conversations sometimes with people, its literally like why did you even text me. at the end of the day she still says "i love you babe" i literally went to sleep with a big a- smile.


i love you.
i just need to get my point across when i mentioned the whole ordeal about not saying "i love you" if or when you say it and you feel no jolt within then the flame is no longer burning. it goes the same as if someone said it to you. if or when its being said and you don't feel any type of emotion except reading the phrase then the lights have gone out. there are so many different analogies that people have thrown together for the reasons of this. for me i just try to understand it. thought i would get that out there since that has been lingering in my mind as well.


ridin' solo.
even though i have been on dates and so forth and so on and even made a conclusion that i am ready for a relationship, im still unsure. i think i sometimes hold the future to live up to the past, which is all backwards. but i mean what can you do, you take what you had and apply it, which may come with more expectations. but school is the only thing i can honestly be in a relationship with and stay faithful to and can give me so much AND keep me happy and sane. i love it, i wish i can just take classes forever, even though i hate all the work that comes along with it. i am so excited to start a business and be behind the scenes of watching it grow. for myself i can only remain solo, there's so many things i want to do and i cant be stopped by those who aren't reaching for the same thing.


closing this blog with a few thoughts. people ask why do you still love her or in a more suitable tone like her, and i can honestly say she is the only one that i know at the end of the day who will always have my back. she has proven that and doesn't bring unnecessary drama to the table. so many words can go so far but i am leaving it at that. i have so many more confessions that so far only some people know of, because we talk on that level, but at the moment i cant even think of any. i think ill do a blog just about my personal confessions.

blinded by love.

see i don’t give a damn what my friends say
don’t matter anyway
see i never felt this way before
you leave a girl wantin’ more

this is just one of these times where i need to express feelings and of course others will always have their own personal opinions. you can never really have a state of opinion if you have never been in a relationship or loved to being in love with someone. my sister is the only person i confide into mostly and understands where im coming from even though at first she had different emotions towards who i was with.

the case of the ex.
those you've been with later become your ex when things don't work out and at that point you move on and you shouldn't be thinking about them. im beyond different, no matter the differences i find myself thinking about her. yes i can say ive moved on and let go emotionally, but why do i continue to feel like this. why do i find myself reminiscing of all the times and everything we've gone through. there are so many rules when it comes to the turn "my ex" your not suppose to associate yourself with them or even be friends at that. i always ask the person im interested in if they have a problem with me associating myself with my ex as friends and usually they say no. later on they start demonstrating slight jealousy if you do. but that's not what i decided to talk about.

my sister and i usually have conversations at night, about relationships and from my experience i always let her know be careful, because i would never want to see my sister put in a situation that i was. and she also now understands why ive never fully let go of my ex like some have had exs that were so bad, that your glad its over, me ive experienced a great deal, but there are always those lovely positive moments. reason why i don't understand why people portray their ex as such a horrible person what happened to the positive things that happened. or those don't necessarily matter.


love letter.
for you ; i still love you. i still care about you. even though were not together, sometimes when im listening to music i think about us. when i first met you i was hesitant, even though i knew that you would be the one for me. when you told me you loved me, i felt this amazing feeling that i can still hardly explain till this day. we were on separated by distance and time. i know we've been through so much, but i wouldn't change it for anything. as our relationship evolved we grew together and united as one soul. i hated you, but loved you more. your such an amazing person with a beautiful soul. people could never see the reasons why, but im telling you. your my inspiration and i would do anything for you. now that its all gone, but i still think about you and hope for the best. i wish i could say how bomb your are over the phone, but i cant. lol i think that would be too personal, but i have to admit the business is so damn good that i swear i be wanting you. i sometimes miss your voice and i simply miss everything. i missed missing your phone calls and your voice mails, i missed when we use to talk for hours. lol just good memories. remember when i said it would be forever =(


Everything, Everyday, Everywhere.
sometimes it sucks feeling like this. yes i like someone else and might possible be with them. i don't want to go around lying to myself. like you have no idea how it feels until you've been there. you can read this and think, well you need to get yourself together before you try talking and dating. i have myself together, its just that currently im missing the past and have the right to reminisce about someone i was once with. eventually ill be able to finally let go completely, they say being with someone for a year doubles to get over them. i hope it doesn't take that long for me. my sister always ask, if they asked you to be theirs would you consider and half of me would jump at that chance, but i cant. there can never be a me and you for so many reasons. i just keep the memories.

you still probably don't understand and it seems as though no one has and will understand me and what the true meaning of love is. as the last thing to be said, don't throw around the word "love" or abuse it. its only four letters with strong effects towards someone's emotions and feelings. hopefully the next person i date understands and to know that my ex would never interfere with our present relationship, but that sometimes i do reminisce about what we once shared, is it wrong, who hasn't? that's the end of this blog.

...

i hate to see you go even though i know when you're coming back
It's hard to breathe without you girl and baby that's a fact
i know sometimes you have to leave but i wish that you could stay

everytime you go away.

struggles of love.

why can't i love you in slow motion,
take my time, take away the pressure on my mind
really get to know you, but rewind
wanna love you in slow motion..

i hate blogs and i blame someone for giving me the idea of even starting one. but than i love her ten times more. today was the worse day and the one person i thought i was going to be with feels as though were already at a distance before we really even established something. i felt it since last week and maybe i made the mistake of allowing my emotions to be all over the place and not focusing on my true feelings. i feel as though i am lying to myself about what i truly want and whom i truly want to be with. i guess i should slightly let go of something that will never be. this leads to holding back all the emotions and feelings that i once shared.

i think i have falling for someone, but i will never tell =) only time will tell before my feelings are exposed. of course its hard to even express to anyone, because they never take me seriously or they use it against me somehow or just done care. i dont know i just simply love them regardless of how much they piss me off and how much they get on my nerves. i keep having dreams about them =x which is always a sign, especially if you never had one about someone your suppose to be focusing on. i guess i should consider following the signs at least, but not fall to hard.

i cant say that im happy, but karma is in affect for someone that i once liked. they played me big time and left me with a broken-heart. at the same time im trying to be there for them in this crucial critical time they are going through at the moment. sad part about it is the fact that she has a girl, still flirts with people on myspace and still flirts with me saying she wants it and all this and her girl don't know. i brought up her girl once and she got quiet and that was the end of the conversation. i just find it highly upsetting when you broke my heart, your with this new one, but yet your still playing. thinking about it pisses me off, so im done talking about her specifically.

closing this blog with many thoughts that linger in the mind.

love games.

yes to anything you need and yes your where i want to be.

don't you know i love you so, your everything i need more
never want to let you go.

anyways its been a couple of days since i have written a blog. the last one i wrote i was hurt and from that i have grown from those emotions/feelings. worse part about it is i still associate myself with the person who did the damage. why? i don't know i tend to still remain close lowkey. tonight me and my future are having another conversation, i'm at the point where i feel like maybe this isn't right for me. i honestly don't even know what to feel right now, except i have feelings for someone else.

i think ive falling for someone, someone whom ive always loved, someone who i know will be there for me and if we were together they would be my main focus. than i get lost and confused with my feelings and emotions on whether its a rush to fill a empty heart or true love that needs to be ignited again to burn for eternity. i refuse to put myself in that whole predicament again, i don't want to look foolish for going after something and it wasn't meant to be, it gives my close friends the opportunity to say "i told you so." only one person understands me and we barely talk, but she respects and sees what i see about my true feelings about the person i would consider to only be with. only time will tell whether they would consider being with me again or remain friends. i said i don't like play guessing games, ill eventually let it go and finally move on.

as of my new potential future, we click and understand things like its nothing. even though ive been interrogated with questions from personal to what i like in a person. i guess there's no reason to complain that we have this slight capability. the words "i love you" has been said, i stopped saying it, i feel like i shouldn't, one moment she was saying it the next she stopped than i was questioned with "when are we gonna stop playing this i love you babe game" [pause] one who was playing anything, two ...you said it first and it was almost like i was obligated to say it too, but when i say it i meant it. anything i say i mean, but maybe its the fact that she feels "rejected" because i never said yes to her asking me out. personally i feel rushed and if anything i don't want to be rushed. i never reject i just don't want to go around dating people and having a huge trail of exs' sorry if i still love my past, but hopefully she will accept that and not allow jealousy get in the way of that.

closing this blog with lost emotions. i know what i want and who, but afraid to pursue it. at the end i guess we will see what the end results would be. i could honestly say i am ready to settle down again and leave the single life behind. but than i would be lying to myself, but i think i am. i have a lot to give, in school with goals that are endless and opportunities that i am grateful for the only thing missing is that special someone to share it with all.